


But First-Let Me Take a Selfie

by pottermum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dick Jokes, Gen, Getting Back Together, Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 04:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11306004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pottermum/pseuds/pottermum
Summary: AU Muggle technology come to the wizarding world. A cheeky sassy Harry Potter's bare bum is practically the first thing the Weasley family see when they web cam (for the first time) Ginny in Wales for her birthday.  This sets of a string of selfies from Harry to a reluctant Ron.





	But First-Let Me Take a Selfie

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an early scene in Why Him?

“Hermione, are you sure this will work?” 

“Yes, Arthur, it should. It worked fine when Ginny and I tried it last week,” assured Hermione to her father-in-law. 

“Ginny knows how to use it?” asked Percy, sceptically. 

Hermione rolled her eyes, as his fiancee Audrey shushed him. “Yes, Percy, she does.”

“Say, do you reckon we can try that Google thing and try and find Harry?” asked George. 

“I already asked her that, George,” said Ron. “She said no.”

“But look, there's a map and Google Earth and – oh, hey look, it's Ginny! Hey, birthday girl,” called George, loudly. 

“You don't need to yell, George. Ginny, can you see us?” asked Hermione, as they all crowded around her lap top. 

“Yes I – wait, where's mum? Mum?” called Ginny. 

“Molly, love, come see. It's Ginny, in Wales, but she's here, on this spider thingy,” called Arthur excitedly. 

“Web cam,” corrected Hermione. “Happy Birthday Ginny. We can see and hear you fine here,” she said. 

Molly came and peered over Arthur's shoulder. “Oh, look, it is her. Hello, love, happy birthday.”

“Thanks, Mum, Dad, everyone. Oh, is that little Vic? She is getting so big,” sighed Ginny. She was in her apartment in Wales. With a big match coming up, she coudn't get away to celebrate with her family. 

Bill held his daughter up near the camera. “Blow Aunty Ginny a kiss, sweetheart.”

“I luff you, Auntie Gin,” called Victoire, waving at the screen. 

“Oh, I wish I could be there. Mum, I'm missing your food so much, especially today. I know you always make our favourites on our birthdays,” grinned Ginny. 

“Yeah, even for those who aren't here,” said Ron. “We still have a treacle tart left from Harry's. Don't suppose you've heard from him, have you?”

Ginny opened her mouth to speak, but Hermione smacked Ron's arm. “Ronald Weasley, our best friend will come home when he's ready. Okay, it's been a year since he left, but we can't judge him, he obviously needed to get away.”

Ginny opened her mouth to speak again, when her dad spoke first. “Isn't this wonderful. Clever things, Muggles. Hermione, can you get me one of these lap top thingys.”

“Hush Arthur, never mind that now. How's the Harpy's going, love?” asked Molly.

“Good, doing well. Training's tough, but it all pays off. We're feeling confident for the next match. Hey, what have you got there?” asked Ginny, peeering closer. 

Angelina and Fleur placed the birthday cake on the table. “ We can still have a birthday cake for you, love,” said Molly. 

“And sing da song,” said Victoire. She looked at her dad. “I blow out da candles? Bill nodded and placed Victoire on Arthur's lap right in front of the screen. 

“And you don't get a piece, so more for us,” gloated Ron. 

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Er-”

They all stopped singing when they noticed, from over Ginny's shoulder, someone entering her apartment. 

“What? Whats wrong?” asked Ginny. She peered over her shoulder. “What are you doing here?” she hissed, lowering the cover slightly. 

“What do you think I'm doing here,” he said. 

“Who is that? Can you see?” asked George. 

“No, the angle of her computer is cutting off his head. She'll have to move it,” said Hermione, embarassed as the man on screen began to undress. 

“I said to come back after five,” hissed Ginny, still talking to him, even as she looked apologetically at her family, completely unaware of what was going on behind her. 

“I'll be quiet,” he said, turning around and moving out of screen. 

She grimaced. “Sorry, just a friend who dropped by.”

“That's not all he's dropped,” snickered George, for behind Ginny, the man came back into view, dropped his pants and then removed his shirt. 

“Oh, Merlin,” gasped Molly, as the naked man started to dance closer and began to sing happy birthday to Ginny. 

Victoire giggled and reached over to touch the bum on the screen. “Naughty,” she giggled. Bill reached over and grabbed her away from the screen. 

“How do you stop it?” gasped Arthur, as the man's bare bum seemed to fill the screen as he straddled her lap, so he was facing her. In the background they could hear Ginny reaching around to try and turn the computer off. 

“Don't look,” she cried to them. “Harry, get off.”

“Turn it off, turn it off,” begged Molly, and Arthur began pressing buttons. 

“Wait, I can just – ew!” said Hermione, leaning away from the screen. 

“Ew!” They all agreed. 

“You just took a photo of his bare bum,” said Ron. It was frozen on the screen. 

“Wait.” Hermione tapped some keys and the screen came back to life. 

“ – thday, Mrs Potter, happy birthday to you.” He turned around and had a big red ribbon tied around his – 

Hermione slammed the lid down. 

George and Bill burst into laughter. So did Fleur, Angelina and Audrey. 

“That was Harry,” said a stunned Hermione. 

“Daddy, what was that?” asked Victoire, confused. “I don't fink I want one of those for my birfday.” 

Ron snorted. “Bloody good thing.”

Arthur was sitting there stunned. “Who wants cake?” asked Molly, her face flushed. 

Hermione's mobile phone pinged. She took it out. “It's from Ginny, a text message. 'We can explain,' she says,” said Hermione. 

“Oh, I think that,” – Bill pointed at the computer – “was explanation enough.”

“At least we know Harry's back...and he's all right,” said Hermione, trying to find the silver lining. 

“He won't be all right when I'm through with him,” said Ron. He shook his head when his mother offered him cake. “Lost my appetite,” he said. 

The party broke up after that. Molly cleaned up and went to bed. Arthur was already there, looking up at the ceiling. He had been quiet since the lap top business with Ginny. “All right, love?” she asked, as she cuddled beside him. 

Arthur put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. “Hmm, yeah. Molly, did you hear what he called her? Harry, I mean?”

“No, to be honest, I was kind of distracted,” blushed Molly. 

“He called her Mrs Potter,” said Arthur. 

Molly sat up, thinking hard. “What? You don't think...they're married? Arthur, are you sure?” 

Their bedroom door opened, and Ron burst in. “Harry and Ginny...married...sent...photo...here,” he gasped. He thrust Hermione's mobile phone at his father. 

'Happy Birthday to me', Ginny had written in the text. The selfie was of her and Harry, apparantly naked in bed, holding up their left hand, fourth fingers, arms around each other. Both fingers wore a simple gold band.

“Married,” whispered Molly. “Oh, Arthur.”

“She looks so happy,” noted Arthur. “They both do.”

“She does,” agreed Molly. She handed the phone back to Ron. “Go home, love. We'll talk more about this tomorrow.”

“Fine, night Mum, night Dad,” said Ron, and he Apparated home. 

“Were they mad?” asked Hermione, already waiting in bed for him. 

“Stunned, I reckon,” said Ron, handing her back her phone. As he did, it pinged. 

“It's from Ginny. Oh!” she gasped, going bright red as she opened the message. 

“What is it?” asked Ron, worriedly. “Let me guess, he's knocked her up and its triplets!” he quipped, holding his hand out. 

“I can't,” said Hermione, apologetically, hugging the phone to her chest. “Ginny's text said not to show her brothers or parents.”

“Give it to me, Hermione,” said Ron.

“No. You'll over react,” said Hermione. “They're married and – oh my god, Harry's married!” she squealed happily. 

“Just catching up, are you? Give it to me, Hermione,” demanded Ron. 

“Fine! You want a look, take it. But don't yell at me, and you can't go up there. I'll text them and tell them you're on the way,” warned Hermione. 

Ron hesitated, but picked the phone up. His eyes grew large and his face went red. “I'm going to kill him,” he said. 

“Why? He rather looks like he's enjoying it?” said Hermione. 

Harry was naked, tied to the bed head, using the red ribbon and grinning madly. Ron was thankful the photo didn't show everything, till he realised Ginny must have been in between his legs to take the photo at that angle. He cringed 

“Don't say that!” hissed Ron. “Merlin, why is she sending these photos to you?” he demanded. 

“Probably to upset you,” said Hermione calmly. The phone pinged again. She read it. “Ha. 'Is Ron having a heart attack yet?' Y-E-S!! texted back Hermione. 

Her phone pinged. She opened it and read it. “It's from Harry! 'Hey guys, I would call but I'm tied up at the moment. Let's do lunch soon'. Smart arse,” she said, chuckling. 

“Why didn't Ginny tell us she was seeing him? We've been worried about him for ages,” said Ron, undressing and getting into bed. 

“Maybe that's what Harry wanted. We'll get all the answers when we see them,” said Hermione. “I'm going to brush my teeth.”

The phone pinged while she was in the bathroom ensúite. Ron picked it up. Yep, it was from Harry. 

“Me and the missus,” was the text message. He opened the photo to see Harry and Ginny, their heads sticking out from behind a shower curtain, grinning madly and obviously naked. Ginny's hair was tied up in the red ribbon. 'Cleaning up after getting dirty' came the second message. 

“I'm going to kill you, Harry,” vowed Ron. “Even if you are my...my brother-in-law. Hey Hermione, Harry's now my brother, for real!”

“Just catching up, are you?” smiled Hermione. She picked up her phone and quickly texted Harry. “I asked if we could web cam tomorrow.” 

The phone pinged. 'Sounds hot, lets do it, Hermione. Does Ron like to watch?', Harry!” she shrieked after reading his message. 

“Right, he's crossing the line,” growled Ron. 

“He's kidding, Ron,” sighed Hermione. “He sounds giddy; happy.”

“He sounds nuts. Give me that,” said Ron, grabbing her phone. He hit the dial button and waited. 

“Heellllooooo,” drawled Harry. 

“Potter, what the hell is the idea of sending photos of my sister, naked photos, to me and Hermione,” he growled. 

“Which one did you like best. We want to use one for our Christmas card this year. The shower one, or the one of us in the tub?” asked Harry. 

Ron gasped. “I didn't see a photo of you in the tub,” he growled. 

“No? Ok, I'm sending it now,” said Harry, tapping away. 

Hermione's phone pinged, indicating there was a new message. 

“No more photos,” growled Ron. “do you know, thanks to your little stunt, my mum and my wife had to see your bare bum on Hermione's lap top. Merlin, Harry, my two year old niece saw your dick, with a ribbon around it,” cried Ron. 

“Shit! Hey, Gin, guess what?” 

Ron could hear a muted conversation going on before loud laughter. “It's not funny,” he yelled. 

“It's a little bit funny,” Ron heard Ginny call out. 

“Oy, don't use the term 'little bit' when we're talking about my dick,” protested Harry. 

Ron cringed. “Let's not use the term 'dick' when we're talking about my sister,” he suggested cooly. 

“What would you prefer I use? Cock? Penis? Hey, Gin, what did Ron used to call his dick when he was little?” he hear Harry call out. 

Ron's face went purple. He heard Harry hoot with laughter in the background. “Stop it,” he demanded. “And stop flirting with my wife via text.”

“She's a very sexy woman and – ouch, okay, Hermione is a hag – ouch, bloody hell, woman! Ron, help, my wife is beating me up,” he called. 

Ron could hear the sounds of what he hoped was Harry being hit on the head, over and over. “Good!” he said vehemently. 

There was silence. “And I like it,” whispered Harry loudly. “More, Gin, more!”

Ron closed his eyes, wishing he could close his ears to the sound of Ginny cackling, or the sounds of bare flesh being spanked. He checked the phone. Where was the damn mute button?

“ – still there?” 

Ron reluctantly lifted the phone to his ear. “Yeah,” he said. “Listen, I'm- we're glad you're okay, that you're back. And we're all happy about you and Gin, all right?”

“Thanks, mate. Friend. Chum. Brother,” said Harry. 

Ron heard Ginny adding amigo, compadre, companion. He rolled his eyes. They were as bad as each other. 

“But you will look after my sister, respect her. No more of these kind of photos, understand? You'll treat her right, do whatever it take to make her happy, beg if you have to,” instructed Ron. 

“Is that husbandly advice you're giving me, Ronald?” asked Harry, in amusement. 

“Too right. My sister is the best thing to happen to you, and you're never to forget that,” ordered Ron. 

Ron hear Harry snort. “As if she'd let me. Look, Ron, we'll be fine. I shall treat Ginny like a queen. I'm already down on my knees in front of her,” he said. 

Ron sighed. “Good.”

“Why, Mrs Potter, aren't you forgetting something,” he heard Harry say in a sultry tone. “Tsk, tsk, no underwear – again!”

Ron honestly thought he was having a heart attack. “Potter!” he yelled. 

Next thing he heard Ginny's breathless voice. “Harry can't – oh my, – talk right now,” she said, then gasped. 

“Bloody hell, I'm going to kill him,” growled Ron. 

“Don't worry, Ron,” he heard Harry call out. “My weenie is nowhere near her!”

The phone went dead. Ron lay staring at it stupidly for several seconds. It pinged, but he ignored it. 

Hermione had, however. “Who's the message from? Ron?” she asked, when he didn't answer. 

He shook his head. He couldn't, wouldn't open it. 

Hermione did, before he could stop her. “What is it?” she asked in confusion. 

Ron dared to look over, then growled. “Bloody hell, it's the top of Harry's head. Bloody Ginny!”

Hermione looked back at the picture. “But she –ohhhh!” She quickly closed it, looking apologetically at her husband. She hurriedly turned the phone off and called out 'Nox'. 

Four months later, Ron tiredly opened his mail. He reminded himself to pay the Floo bill and to get some more Floo powder while he was on his lunch break tomorrow. The Floo would be busy over the next few days, it being Christmas time. 

He picked up the last envelope, turning it over to see who had sent it. 'From the Potters,' it read. 

He opened it in trepadition. On the front was a traditional christmas card. A wrapped present, with a big red ribbon, waiting to adorn it. His smile faltered, still seeing that image on Hermione's lap top. Damn George had magically frozen Harry's bare bum as her screen saver, till she had worked out how to change it. 

He opened the card. Something fell out, a photo. 'Dearest Ron and Hermione, with much love for the holiday season. Love, Harry and Ginny Potter xx

Ron sighed in relief. He picked up the small photo that accompanied the card. He studied it, then turned it over. 'Look what my weenie did!' It was written in Harry's handwriting. 

He turned it back around, suddenly realising what it was. It was a sonogram. Ginny was pregnant, and his best mate was going to be a father!

It was a happy Christmas. Harry was overjoyed, his excitement at his impending fatherhood contagious. 

As he settled into bed that night, rubbing his still full stomach, his new phone pinged. He looked at the screen. It was from Harry. 

Ron opened it. It was Harry, kissing Ginny's slightly rounded bare belly, her fingers in his hair. 

“If he starts this up again...”he growled in warning. 

“I think he wants to share this with you. Did you see him today, he was giddy?” noted Hermione, looking down as she lay her head on his shoulder. 

“You think that's what it is?” asked Ron uncertainly. 

Hermione nodded. “He doesn't have a father or brother, except you and the rest of the Weasleys,” reminded Hermione. “It's a beautiful photo, so loving.”

Ron looked again. “Yeah, I guess it is. Okay.” He quickly texted a reply back to Harry, saying once again how happy he was for his best friend, and how lucky the baby was to have him for a dad. He couldn't wait for the baby to come, to watch him or her grow up. 

Harry's reply was a simple 'Thx'. Shrugging, he shut the phone off. 

But Ginny told him the next day how choked up Harry had been at his message. How he said wouldn't delete it – ever. How important Ron was to Harry. His first real friend. His best mate. 

Naturally Ron and Hermione were godparents, and it started making Ron think about having a child of their own. When he held James Sirius for the first time, everything made sense. All they had done, suffered, been through. This, this wonder that was James Sirius, this was the reward. 

He confidently offered to change his nappy, after all, he was a pro at it by now. What with Victoire, Dominique and Molly already being born. It was about time there was a boy in the next generation. He knew George and Angelina were expecting a boy too. 

But when he opened the nappy, he defintely wasn't expecting to get hit in the face with a stream of urine. He spluttered, and Harry came to his aid. 

The baby wailed, until his daddy cleaned him up while Ron did the same. “First rule of changing a boy,” grinned Harry. “Watch out for his weenie.”

Ron groused. “Can we stop calling it that,” he said. “I just copied my mum.”

“Oh, I thought it was a reference to it's size,” said Harry, deftly fastening the nappy and redressing his son. He carefully picked his son up. 

“Oy, you can't say that. You can't belittle me in front of my godson,” protested Ron. 

“Did you say 'be little', teased Harry. 

“Oh, shut it, Harry,” said Ron, disgruntled, as he followed Ron back to the lounge, where Ginny, Hermione and Teddy were talking. 

“Language,” said Ginny crossly. 

“James is three days old, Gin, I hardly think he'll remember,” said Ron, amused. 

“Not James, Teddy,” corrected Ginny, her arm around the little boy shoulder. She gently encouraged him to go sit next to Harry and cuddle James. 

“We were talking about weenies,” grinned Harry. 

“Oy,” said Ron and Hermione.

“Well, there's no worries with this one,” said Ginny. “He's definitely got the Potter penis.”

“Ah, alliteration. Well done, love,” congratulated Harry. 

“Gran calls mine a willy,” said Teddy, simply. 

“A perfectly good word,” nodded Hermione, giving Harry and Ron those familiar looks from their Hogwarts days. Stop it, behave.

“You're going to make a great mum, Hermione. Look how well you did with these two,” she laughed, gesturing to their husbands. 

“Oy,” protested Harry and Ron, laughing. 

Harry's daily photos were now mostly all of James, and Ron was taken by how the baby changed so quickly. He grimaced at the photos of Harry helping Ginny breast feed James, by holding her breast up. No matter how many times Hermione told him it was sweet, it was still a photo of his sister's boob. On his phone. 

Bloody Harry.


End file.
